Prejudice. When we started working on the project, we all were full of it, not knowing what to expect. Our first step to get over these was to stop using terms like “Spaz”, “Mentally retarded”, etc that we so insensitively use in our day-to-day conversations as an insults. We maintained a tally of the same, which I am ashamed to say, inspite of all our efforts has been increasing at unhealthy rates. And that, I think, explains the general prejudice in society.
Most of us have been lucky enough to not really come close to these conditions. Your four limbs do not work; you are dependent on everyone, no matter how intelligent you are. You hurt yourself and you do not realize it. It takes time for your brain to understand what you see or hear. You have been here 20 years, but do not understand more than your 5-year-old sibling. I shudder to even think about it. The harsh realities of these people, whose hopes of leading a life like yours and mine have been crashed by nature and the wounds worsened by these very prejudices of yours and mine.
I confess, we had our own share. I was in Mumbai for the first two days and so my first impressions were made on the phone. I was shopping at Pantaloons growing depressed over my daily troubles like how I was too fat to fit into a dress I liked so much, when Srividya called me to tell me about the first day. “Dont underestimate these people” was how she began. And slowly through my walk through the garments, as she took me through the whole class, I was suddenly afraid. These facts were realities of someone’s lives. And I was to help them cure it.
So you can imagine me when I first walked in. I had just arrived in Bangalore and somehow was hoping that was my excuse for being so lost. I was told to walk in without any prejudices, but my mind refused to listen. They came on as soon as I walked the SSK campus. Harsh ones that allowed me neither to be proud of myself nor to trust these kids I was working with. We arranged the room and I took my seat as Keya suggested right in front of the door and then waited with excitement and anxiety churning inside me. Slowly curious faces entered the room and greeted me with welcoming but probing eyes, and all the discussions just melted away from my mind leaving me more nervous than I had thought I would be. They had been told about me, and were probably just as prejudiced as I was. I wonder what they were thinking. “Here’s another outsider coming here thinking she is greater than us”...Or were they more capable of welcoming me and let me adjust? Am afraid to say, I think it was the latter one.
Which was precisely why within a few minutes of being in there, I felt like I was a part of it. I felt confident enough to talk, and they listened patiently. And each time I talked after that for the next 3 weeks, I not only felt good but also discovered a side to myself I had previously been prejudiced against. The capacity to take the initiative, the ability to desensitize myself, the power to trust them and the faculty to keep my calm through the unfulfilling sessions, while at the same time recognizing that these people I would have otherwise avoided interacting with were capable of much more than I gave them credit for.
I remember a class that we had about prejudices and stereotyping. In high school, the place we all came from as 15-20 year olds, we were constantly trying to break through the generally prevailing stereotyping. These kids, much less equipped of handling them, went through worse. We played a game where one person was sent out while the room chose a stereotype for him/her. They came in and the others threw judgements at them while they were left to guess what they were labelled with. A real life scenario simply dramatised.
We then took the opportunity to talk to them about prejudices and stereotyping. Told them about how important it was to help them deal with it and express themselves to break through it, since that was what we were there for. The whole room was quiet. When we asked them who went through it, none of them raised their hands first. Five of us were the first ones. Slowly the other hands came up at different lengths. But all their eyes exuded the same acceptance – this had become so much a part of their lives that they never probably discussed that as a problem. A general consensus that made me ashamed of being a part of the “normal” species. Were they better equipped with the emotional strength or were they just used to it? I wondered. Again, am afraid its the latter.
I laugh rather untimely at this other prejudice. One of our students was excessively introverted. We inferred self-consciousness and the lack of confidence. After learning that she had lost her mother we formed our own hypothesis of reasons for her behaviour, stemming out of our own prejudices formed by the stereotypical stories on these topics. We later learnt that she lived in extremely normal conditions, with her stepmother actually trying hard to reach up to her and her father so frustrated with this behaviour that she got what she wanted. On further discussion with her, we found deeply and unduly rooted hatred for other kids in her. A feeling of unwarranted superiority we conferred as her way of dealing with her feelings of inferiority. A psychological prejudice, which we still believe to be true. Sadly, she is by far still the most disappointing of the lot.
Another prejudice came from our own need of “personal space”. While we grew up in a society where especially the population of the same female gender as us (another prejudice) hugged and kissed each other all the time, we were acutely uncomfortable to be brushed with the hands of these students who had previously used those hands in their noses and God alone knows where. We even used Wet wipes/Sanitizer at the end of each session before we ate our food with mustard sauce and continued with our spaz, oops, “weird” behaviour that amused/annoyed/attracted attention at the cafe/staff room. I remember our rather unpleasant reaction when Ms. Priya Rao, the Principal suggested the touch therapy with these kids, and my own stingy expression when I saw her hold these kids so close to her and run her hands through their hair. “I wish I could do that”, I wondered. Sounds nasty, but we were ruled by our own prejudices of basic hygiene bombarded into us all our lives.
Slowly we grew attached to these kids. We learnt about their girlfriends (I am afraid our first reaction was “EVEN they have girlfriends!”) and their personal lives. Sometimes we were like teachers discussing their students and the general judgements about them as a whole in the staff room (for us this was Brio’s). Some other times we were like mothers, complaining about their kids to other mothers, while at the same time bragging proudly about all their achievements. Another time we were like those disloyal friends (quite common lately actually) bitching about them behind their back. The rest of the time, we were just frustrated teenagers trying to work up a miracle.
A miracle underestimated by a majority of the society. When we had walked in there, we did so with a dream to take them to Ranga Shankara, a place where every theatre student in Bangalore dreams of performing someday. We believed they could make up a performance in 4 weeks that we could take there. We were not looking for perfection. Simply a form of expression to boost their confidence while at the same time making a statement to the world telling them what they were capable of. We were however denied the permission to do so. We were given several reasons and we spent hours on end complaining about the same and thinking of ways to fulfil it. Uptil now though, we remain unsuccessful.
However, we have also spent the past few weeks complaining about how we have made no commendable progress with the play. We grumble about the lack of input, whine about the lack of teamwork and nag them about our expectation for them to perform. We grow irritated and annoyed. We are dissatisfied. More than anything, we are disappointed with how our expectations and dreams have almost been broken down. We are all 15-20 year old drama students who had walked in with the dream that we will walk out having witnessed a wonder, having proved to the world and to all the teachers there that this job was simple – to have changed the lives of 10 of these people in just 6 weeks. Am afraid to say that although we did accomplish a lot, we are far from changing their lives. At least, yet. We forget while changing our prejudices about them that there is a certain limit in time and capacity, ours and theirs that we might not be able to surpass.
However, we continue with a prejudice too strong to be shaken, a hope too intense to be broken. The prejudice about the power of theatre and the prejudice that our effort and dedication will pay back. We continue dedicatedly in our endeavour to achieve something and faith that it will not go wasted. We do believe in miracles and in accomplishing some. Some prejudices after all are not so bad...
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